Bitchy Waiter Fan Fare

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am a BIG fan and wanted to write you a big fan letter!

I love your stories, your writing style, your humor and your attitude.  myself served for 10 years and let’s just say I was not the kind of server who crouched down and ecstatically announced that I, Jolie would be your server for the evening. It was more like “Please ignore my disdain for you while I take your order.”

I admit fully that the last 9 and ½ years I served may not have been my best work and I apologize to anyone I served after 2008. Except the entire film crew of the straight to video movie “You Can’t Win” You were all complete assholes. Just because you are a famous actor (Michael Pitt) doesn't mean you can walk into my bar shoe less and smoking a stogie.Your cast party was like Lord of the Flies, and yes I will lose my job if you have booze in your hand after 2 am.

Also to every single Australian tour group who stayed at my hotel before and after their Cruise to Alaska, but refused to tip anything at all and when you sat down as a group and I added a 20 percent surcharge, you refused to pay it, argued with me about how tipping

is not required in Australia  and after calling my manager made me take it off the bill .

(Thanks for the change on a 327.00 bill. I made 3.00) Then the next night you all made sure you sat at separate tables so as not to incur a surcharge as a group then openly spoke as I was serving you about how you showed me! Question! Do you not remember getting

on that airplane and sitting for hours and hours until you were no longer in Australia?

Well that means you tip according to the customs of the country you have entered. And as Australians are constantly travelling (because that is all they ever talk about) Then I can only assume you know better as you  feign innocent ignorance and cheaply make your way across the globe.

I digress…Well those days are behind me now (fingers crossed) and even though I do

still have the occasional serving nightmare, I am back to being a normal calm human being and no longer a martini making ticking time bomb.Which brings me back to why I am writing you this fan letter, your stories are brilliant and so funny and  I can relate to every one of them. Thank you for bringing me back to a time that wasn't always so great and making me see it through your eyes.

I hope you don’t mind if I reprint some of my very favorite articles. And Bitchy Waiter

If you are ever in Seattle I would be honored to take you out on the town

Best Wishes

Jolie Shanoian C/O Skippy Jack Productions

Posted on April 30, 2014 

Guy Fieri Has a New Restaurant and It’s as Disgusting as You’d Expect

Posted on April 24, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter 

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If you’re looking for a restaurant in Las Vegas that will give you an “awesome” experience as well as a raging case of clogged arteries, look no further than Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen and Bar. Just like cream rises to the top, douchiness floats over to Las Vegas and bathes in a puddle of Axe Body Spray. Guy Fieri has taken the wonderful feedback he received for his New York City restaurant and decided that the world needed another place for him to piss out Donkey Sauce on to piles of meat and cheese.   There was a time I liked Guy Fieri, like when he first appeared onAmerican Idol’s Next Top Chef of So You Think You Can Food Network or whatever the fuck that show was called. I watched it and thought he was entertaining, but after he became more famous his ego got out of control. And then a few years ago, it came out that hemight not be cool with gay people and that put the final nail in his flame-covered coffin for me. Eater Las Vegas has posted his new menu on line and it sounds like Guy has taken his signature bullshit and elevated it to a-whole-nother level of crap. I can’t let that menu go past my bloodshot eyes without addressing some of the food on it:

Sashimi Won-Tacos $14
Everyone’s fave ‘cuz they’re wicked tasty! Sashimi grade ahi & serious mango-jicama salsa are packed into wonton taco shells + drizzled with “wow-sabi” cream.

I can’t stand  a menu that uses phrases like “‘cuz” because it dumbs

 down this country. And who burned the midnight oil to come up

 with that clever combination of wasabi and wow?

Guy-talian Fondue Dippers $13
Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta. Guy-talian?

How adorable. Who the hell thinks it’s a good idea to wrap a 

fucking piece of pepperoni around bread and dip it in cheese sauce?

 It sounds like something that Domino’s came up with and then they

 decided it was even too fucking tacky and disgusting for them to 

pawn off on America.

Los Nachos Del Jefe $14
The boss don’t mess around…crispy corn tortilla chips are topped with corn tortilla chips topped with black beans, chorizo, cheddar + cotija cheeses, slivered red onions + jalapenos, built to make each nacho the perfect bite!

More bad grammar in an attempt to make the dumbasses eating here feel more at home. Just say that the boss doesn’t mess around.

Vegas Fries $12
Order ‘em in the city they were born! Sidewinder cut fries are tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, topped with blue cheese crumble+ served with Guy’s blue-sabi sauce.

As if one pun with wasabi wasn’t enough now, we have a second 

one. Are they saying that these fries were previously in existence 

and people know what “Vegas Fries” are? Like all over the world 

people have been ordering Vegas fries and wondering where they 

were created?

Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad $13
Guy’s take on the Greek salad will send you on a tour of the Mediterranean with its bold flavors, hearts of romaine, fresh veggies, hummus, feta, Parmesan croutons + tangy lemon vinaigrette. Toga not included.

Ha ha, a toga reference. How very Animal House of you, Guy Fieri. I just feel sorry for the server who has to say, ‘Okay, so that’s one Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad, right? Like, cool, totally bitchin’, dude.”

Brutha’s Badass Caesar Salad $15
Chopped romaine lettuce, croutons, lots of Parmesan cheese + Guy’s favorite Caesar dressing are loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.

I don’t think I understand this item. I picture a huge crouton, the 

size of a motorcycle helmet, that has been carved out and stuffed 

with limp salad. I bet the only reason this Caesar dressing is Guy’s 

favorite is because it’s the only one he could find at Costco.

The Mayor of Flavortown Burger $17
The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an “awesome pretzel bun” finish off this bad boy.

Is a meat blanket anything like beef curtains? Because if the answer

 is yes, then no thank you.

Tatted-Up Turkey Burger $16
This burger is a work of art like Guy’s tattoos. Smash-grilled with poblanos & pepper jack. Topped with gouda, ancho bacon, sweet pepper red onion jam, LTOP, donkey sauce + served on an “awesome pretzel” bun.

Yes, let’s compare food to tattoos because whenever I ask what 

something I am going to eat looks like, I like it to be referenced to 

skin art. And where exactly does donkey sauce come from? I 

picture some sad little burro in a cage that is “milked” twice a day 

by an illegal alien named Maria.

Parmageddon Wings $13
Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they’ll end your hunger!

I can’t with this.

The Motley Que Sandwich $17
Straight from Guy’s BBQ krew. Pulled pork smothered in Guy’s bourbon brown BBQ sauce, citrus slaw, pickle chips, aged cheddar + onion straws…stacked on an “awesome pretzel” bun.

Any time something is spelled with a K instead of a C, it 

automatically makes it kewl. And enough with the fucking 

awesome pretzel bun.

Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge $12

A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.

Three out of four Golden Girls just rolled over in their graves.

Good luck, Guy. I’m sure your restaurant will be a huge smash hit. 

In today’s world, all you have to remember is “if you pour cheese

 on it and call it awesome, they will eat it.”

 

Filed

Foreplay at Table 7

Posted on April 16, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter •

Spring time made a brief appearance last week and it must have sent people’s hormones into a tizzy right up there with their allergies. The night at the restaurant started off normally with a couple who were happy to be with one another. There was sweet hand holding across the table and some goo-goo eyes going on, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then the next table that came in was the same way. And the next one and the next one after that. At one point, we counted five out of the six two-tops holding hands and it wasn’t even fucking Valentine’s Day. (Or if you’re my boss,Valentimes’s Day…). Spring is in the air.

Then came in the couple who sat at Table 7 and they made 

everyone else look like they were on their first date at the Sadie

 Hawkins dance in the sixth grade. These people looked like they

 were ready to slap on some lube and get busy in a booth. Of course

 they sat on the same side of the booth. I don’t get that. I want to be

 able to look at the person I am eating with without having to turn 

my neck 90º. I suppose same-side booth sitting is helpful for hand 

jobs, but not much else. This woman is a regular but she has been in

 with many different men over the months and years. “Whore” is 

such a strong word, but for the sake of this blog, let’s call her that.

 Whore is the touchy feely type with her dates and always insists 

that they be touching each other throughout dinner. She floats 

somewhere between smothering and controlling. The guy she is 

with this night seems just as into it as she is. Their hands are 

intertwined and he keeps brushing the hair out of her eyes. She, in

return, brushes his hair out of his eyes. I hold back the voms.

I hate to interrupt their foreplay, but I do need to see what they 

want to order for dinner, so I wrap myself in a condom and 

approach the table. I don’t want to accidentally end up in an 

unprotected threesome. After reciting the specials, they quickly 

decide on an appetizer and entrees and go back to making sweet 

sweet love with their eyes. Her arm is constantly around her beau’s 

shoulders and she stares longingly into his beady little rat face. His 

hand are in her lap and I can’t be sure what was going on below 

the 

table, but I cannot rule anything out, because “horny” is an 

understatement for this pair.

When their zucchini pancakes are ready, I slide them onto the table

 managing to keep a safe distance of any errant bodily fluids that 

may be coming from them and then I retreat to the bar to continue 

watching the show. The zucchini pancakes come with a sour cream

 and chive dipping sauce. It is remotely disgusting to watch him dip

 his finger into the ramekin and then put that finger into her mouth 

as she sucks it clean. If this is any indication of what is to come, 

there is a very sloppy and very awkward blow job in their future 

and I can only pray that it happens after they leave my section.

Their food comes out of the kitchen; penne pasta with a mushroom

 cream sauce and the roasted chicken breast. In between bites, they

 give each other little kisses, his porcini-y, hers brussel sprouty. She 

goes to town on that chicken skin and I think that if this guy is not

 circumcised already, he most definitely will be by the end of the 

night. They eat their food quickly and as I clear the empty plates 

away, he releases a soft burp in her general direction. I imagine it to

 smell like mushroom, zucchini and uncertainty.

They ask for their check and she goes to the restroom to either 

wash her hands or insert some form of birth control. When she 

returns, she leans over the table while her boyfriend signs the credit

 card voucher. His hand is resting on her ass and my eyes are 

resting on his fingers as they slowly creep lower and lower towards 

her nether region. When his hand is just to that perfect point to cup 

her ass, his fingers then slowly slide into her taint area. The 

bartender and I watch with horror as she tosses her hair and giggles.

 These people need to go right now. I will clean up spilled soda, 

spilled water and spilled coffee, but I will not clean up spilled pre-

ejaculate.

Spring is in the air.

TGI Fridays Just Got Even Worse to Work At

Posted on July 10, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter •

“It’s always Friday and always shitty.”

That deafening roar you heard across the land on Monday afternoon was the sound of every TGI Fridays server bemoaning the new promotion that started at their jobs:Endless Appetizers. Yes, that’s right, someone who works in the corporate office of TGI Fridays probably got a two million dollar bonus when they sharted up this idea. Beginning on July 7th and running until August 24th, customers can pay $10 and get an endless amount of loaded potato skins, pan-seared pot stickers or some other fried piece of crap until they are bursting at the seams with MSG and other Sysco products. Don’t worry about the server not getting tipped by people who are eating a lot of food but not spending a lot of money because marketing officer Brian Gies says that sharing is discouraged. Ummm, yeah.

I can see it now, can’t you? Four teenagers show up but “only two of us are eating” they say. They sit down at your only money maker, Booth 5. They ask for for four waters and one asshole orders an endless order of boneless buffalo wings and another asshole orders mozzarella sticks. The server spends the next three hours running back and forth from the kitchen as all four teens shovel handful after handful of defrosted food into their eating holes. “At the end of the day, our servers aren’t policemen,” says Gies. “We’re not going to slap someone’s hand if they reach over and share someone else’s mozzarella sticks.” In other words, “We don’t really care if the servers get totally screwed by our customers and make no fucking money. As long as we have people in the restaurant and we can continue to sell sub-par food to them, we are satisfied.” When the four teens are finally too bloated to stuff one more cheese stick into their bodies, they get their check which is for $21.65 and they leave the server three dollars. Hurrah.

I also predict that parents will bring in their brood of five kids and 

order one endless app for the table and easily feed five kids on ten 

bucks. Of course they will only do this if they can’t find someplace 

where kids eat free. “Well, it ain’t free, but it’s only two dollars a 

kid,” says Ma Kettle as she sucks down her third Blackberry Long 

Island Tea Shaker. “And if I only gots to pay ten bucks for all them 

children to eat, that means I can afford to get the Jack Daniel’s® 

Sirloin and Grilled Lobster Tail. Thanks, TGI Fridays!!”

Some analysts think that the bold move will destroy the TGI Fridays chain, but let’s be honest. Wasn’t TGI Friday’s pretty much already a big piece of crap? Who the hell even eats there anymore? I guess that’s the reason they are desperate enough to try this approach. It might bring in new business, but it’s not going to be quality business. It’s scraping the bottom of the fast-food chain barrel and it’s only going to make TGI Fridays go the in the same direction of Bennigan’s, Fuddruckers and Friendly’s and that direction is the toilet.

The Endless Appetizer Promo will end on August 24th, but I would

 like to suggest some other ideas for them to try for their next bid 

for relevancy:

·                                 No Tip Tuesdays: Come in on Tuesdays and order whatever the fuck you want and then stiff your server. We don’t care. (This offer is also good on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.)

·                                 TGI Fridays Frequent Diner Program: For every dollar you spend you get a point. The more you spend, the more points you get and once you reach 10 points, you can redeem those 10 points for a free party for 200 of your closest friends. The party will consist of unlimited pitchers of water and three orders of Tostado Nachos (you must pay extra for the toppings of refried beans, seasoned ground beef, melted cheese, salsa, sour cream, house-made* guacamole and jalapeños.) You don’t really have to tip your server, because we don’t give a shit. [*house-made is not really house-made. It comes in a big plastic bag that we cut open and squeeze into ramekins.]

·                                 Buy One Dessert Get Five Free: Yep, you heard right. All you have to do is pay for one crappy ass Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie and you get five more for free. We are happy to put them in a to-go bag for you or you can stay all night and eat them, we don’t care. And don’t bother leaving a tip, it doesn’t matter to us.

·                                 Complain On Facebook: If you go to our Facebook page and leave a negative comment about anything at all, we’ll make sure to send you a gift card to make up for the fact that you found a piece of plastic in your birthday cake or that the bartender took too long to make your drink and it ruined your Girls Night Out. We also give you a “Get Out of Tipping” card to give to your server so that you don’t have to bother with that pesky extra 20%. We hate our servers.

·                                 Your Weight in Food: Step on our TGI Friday scale and whatever you weigh is how much food you get for free. If you weigh 250 pounds, you can get 250 pounds of whatever you want. 250 pounds of Jack Daniel’s® Ribs? Sure! 250 pounds of mashed potatoes? No problem? 250 pounds of Parmesan Meatballs? You betcha! The more you eat the more you weigh and the more you weigh the more food you get for free. It’s terrific! The only tipping you’ll do is that of the scale. In fact your server will leave you a tip, because we totally don’t give a shit about our servers or if they make any money whatsoever.

Good luck, TGI Fridays. And my heart goes out to all those 

servers. 

As if it wasn’t already bad enough to work at TGI Fridays.