Chad Channing and the Rainy Seattle Day

Hello from Jolie and SJP Studios, 

   I recently contacted my old friend Chad Channing, because I thought it would be nice to catch up, and have a nice chat/interview. Except I didn't want to just talk about music. I wanted to talk to Chad about more personal topics and common interests. Well my interests mainly. But as it turns out we have the same interests, especially when it comes to movies and books.

Thank you Chad, and thank you for giving my readers some personal insight, into the life of such a talented musician. A musician who has brought so much joy to so many.

May you continue to do so for many years to come.

1.) Chad it’s been so long, tell me a little about what is going on in your life? 

    I've been doing music my whole life and have been in many different bands over the years. Currently I play with Paundy and Before Cars. I have two children, Lucy & Nolan. I've been fortunate enough to travel Europe a few times and play shows there. Lifes been pretty busy for me : ) 

 Hi Andy!

From Jolie

2.) You have spent a fair amount of time travelling around the world. What has been your
favorite city or town so far, and why?

    I like Holland a lot. Wageningen is one of my favorite cities, cause it has a very old world feel to it. Bergan is also nice and I love the beaches there : )

3.) How about your least favorite place and/or weirdest experience? 

    I Don't really have a least favorite place, but I will say Budapest was interesting and being in Berlin when the wall was coming down was quite an experience! It's actually pretty cool to see the wall now a days cause many parts of it still stand due to the fact that there is lots of art on the wall. Some done by famous artists.



4.) Do you have any non musical hobbies that you enjoy doing? Artistic people usually have their fingers in many pots. 

    Not really, though I do enjoy puzzles and hiking when I can. Oh and I like to collect tin robots though I don't have many. It's still fun though.



5.) I don’t know if you are wallowing in this new “Golden Age” of television like I am, but if you are tuning in, what are your favorite TV shows? 

    Well I did really enjoy the remake of the BattleStar Galactica show. Also Orange is the New Black is pretty good.

6.) If you could do a guest spot on The Walking Dead, would you want to be a one episode member of the group? Or would you want to play a zombie that takes out somebody in the group? 

    A member of the group whether they die or not. I like acting. Oh and btw, that's another show I really like! Might be my favorite right now.




7.) When was that last time you saw a movie at a theater? Do you feel that movies have taken a swan dive in the past few years, or can you always find something to go see?

    Hmm, it's been awhile since I've been to the theaters. It may have been the last Star Trek movie. So yeah, quite awhile ago. I think Hollywood tries to push out to many movies in a year. Some are good while others seem forced and the story lines are a bit weak. With that being said though. I wish sometimes that home movies of any kind didn't exist, so that the only way to catch a movie was via the theater. It was always such a big deal going to the movies when I was a kid, and I miss that sometimes. I do still enjoy it of course but it's not quite the same. 



8.) This question is totally fan magazine fodder from the 1960’s. Chad what is your favorite food? Do you like to cook at home or are you a take out king? 

     I like to eat at home and go out pretty much equally. Far as favorite food goes, geez that's hard. My favorite food is often what I feel most in the mood for at the moment, if that makes any sense,lol! But I guess I can say I would put good Mexican and Asian(mostly Thai) food at the top of my list. Well gee, I do love a good lasagna too. See, this is hard! lol! 

9.) What is your all time favorite book and if it hasn't already been done, do you think it would make a good movie or series? 

     I've read maybe 13-15 books in my life cause I have trouble reading. It's not because I can't. In fact I was always reading 4 grades above on average all through school. My mind just has trouble concentrating long enough to finish even a single paragraph. Anyways, with that being said, God Bless You Mister Rosewater has always been my favorite of the few I have read. Not sure if it would make a good movie or series though.

10.) Chad the holidays are officially on the horizon. Do you have a favorite holiday? If not, and you could make up your own holiday, what would it be?
(Mine is Krampus and boy would I like to go to Germany to see that parade in person!)  

    Heh, I like yours : )  My favorite is about to happen, Day Of The Dead. We celebrate it every year and people will bring picture's of those they wish to honor. It's a lot of fun! : )

          Well I hope these questions work out for you.

        I enjoyed doing this! It's been nice to reach out to you again after all these years.

        Cheers!

        Chad 

        You were perfect Chad and I really enjoyed catching up.

       Let's talk again soon

          Jolie

John Maurice A Serious Seattle Artist and Force To Be Reckoned With

  

  Last week, I had the pleasure of meeting with mixed media artist John Maurice at Capital Hill's Poco Wine Bar. 

 As I fired off a myriad of questions over wine and vodka tonics, John told me all about his past and future projects.

 We talked a lot about what he had been up to lately, and about the influential  people in his life. He told me about his friends at Atelier 206 Studio, (or the Art Lair as they like to call it). About his fellow artists, Crystal Babre,Chris Sheridan and Kyle Abernethy and About his shows at Art/Not Terminal and Krab Jab Studio.
                           

 

                I  told him how moved I was when I first saw his Watership Down inspired drawings. I find them to be emotionally piercing renditions of the rabbit characters, Fiver and Hazel. sniff sniff, sad.

  So after a bunch more drinks, (well I had a lot of drinks) and lots more talking we went our separate ways. I had a lot of time to think on my two mile walk back to Queen Anne, about how I wanted to present my second interview. I figured I would just shoot straight, as is the style of Toffee Andersen. So without further ado my interview with the artist John Maurice                                              

1.) John, I've known you since you were 18 years old, and you were an artist then. So I suspect your love of art goes all the way back to childhood. What was your first memory of art? What did you see that made you want to sit down and create and what was the first thing you ever remember creating?

     Probably my dad drawing this little cartoon rabbit for me and my sister. But the arts were always around. One of my parents friends was a local artist, Don Paulson. He had art openings almost every November/December. My parents always brought my sister and I to them. I still have a piece they bought for me at one of them. 

  My sister, a few of the neighborhood kids and I would having drawing contests that we'd make our parents judge. The house had art books laying around, and we'd go to the old S.A.M. a lot.

 There was this series of books I loved when I was little called Harold and the Purple Crayon, no written words just a kid drawing his own reality. So probably the first thing I wanted to create was my own reality.

I wrote little stories, my father taught me origami, and photography. I built models, my best friend and I made up board games, and wrote scripts that we'd pitch to each while hanging out in my backyard or on the cat walk on the back of his house.

2.) Have you worked in many mediums? Do you have a favorite medium?  And do you have some mediums you want to explore in the future?

     Film, pen and ink, mixed media sculpture, oil. The actual act of production I really like is sculpting. It's the most visceral and physical of anything I've done. I really enjoy editing celluloid.It feels a bit like sculpting to me. Your taking away and putting back to form a complete form. Painting is still very stressful for me. 

3.) Do you feel that your art stands alone? Or do you feel it has accompanying influences, like literature, music, pop culture etc.

       I see my stuff as a frame from a film that hasn't been made or an illustration from an unwritten book. In fact some of the things I've done are almost a story board drawing from my scripts. Just little bits of stories.

4.) What motivates you to work?  Does it come from inside yourself, like a passion ( I hate that word) or a drive or are you more likely to work with more of a social motivation? Or even competitively, the feeling of wanting to win is a huge motivator.

   Motivation is a huge struggle for me. i'm a painter, I like the lifestyle, it's the painting I don't like.I fight with depression and physical pain most days it's hard to get out of bed much less fight through the self doubt to create something. The last painting I finished for fear of letting a friend down, it  pushed me through. I have several friends who are quite prolific as artists. They amaze me with there ability to work.

5.) Tell me about what you’re working on now?

      I started a piece based on Watership Down. Started it a while ago, then got to be in a show based on pain. So I did that piece then stepped away to get that down. Now i'm back on that, and just started to work on some ideas to do a piece/or series putting mythic or spiritual attributes to my old early/ mid eighties punk rock experiences. Angels, demons, saints, martyrs or maybe kachinas. Just started playing with ideas.

6.) What inspires your work more, happiness or despair? Or neither?

      Loneliness, isolation, Island of Misfit Toys. How the world world perceives me. How I perceive myself,sadness. 

7.)  I feel like you are having a personal artistic resurgence. What are your goals, hopes or dreams about your artistic future?

    About two years ago, my friend and coworker at the time, came to work one day and asked if I wanted to take a drawing class. I really hadn't done any work in literally years, was in the midst of one my deeper depressions needed something so I said yes. That brought me to local artist Crystal Barbre's art class for weirdos as it was dubbed. 

  I was pretty much self taught save for a bad high school art teacher, and a couple classes here and there. So any help with technique was a good idea, and just getting me out and picking up a pencil was good. It gave my rusty gears a shove, a bit of momentum. Through it I met some of Seattle's artists, who helped me start to think again. Listening to conversations between Crystal and her friends, who would drop into class to talk about about technique and method, was an amazing learning experience. Being around people who were excited about creating has gotten the creative juices flowing a little more freely again.

8.) Tell me something about your personality and how it relates to your artwork. What can we see about you by looking at one of your paintings? Besides the self portrait of course ha ha .

     I  think actually the thing that is the oddest thing to me is the lack of sense of humor in my art. I've always been influenced by humor, and comedy. the Marx Brothers, Woody Allen, Monty Python. None of that seems to ever find it's way into my visual art. Just my isolation, and darkness which is only a part of my personality. 

9.) How do you feel about art and technology? There is some amazing work being done with computer programs. Do you feel excited by the prospect of exploring such technologies or do you feel the old ways are best?

    I like it for the most part. I don't really like doing it. I took some computer animation classes to see if I could figure a cost effective way to turn my scripts into an actual film. But really i'd rather make stop motion animation. But there are people doing really cool things. My friend David works almost exclusively on his computer. I've also started to learn to use Photoshop to help with reference photos for paintings. Another thing I've learned from my teachers Kyle and Crystal.

But in the end i'm an old school analog guy. I have all my vinyl, I like working with old school art materials, oil, clay, editing movies is funner with celluloid than digital.

10.)  Who are your top 5 favorite artists of all time?

              El Greco, Carravagio, Amano, Titian, Escher, honorable mention  Frank Frazetta.



                            John thank you  for taking time out of your busy schedule, it was fun!

    

My Fantasy Reality Show

                           Reality television has had some unbelievably horrific premises, Naked Dating, Extreme Arm Wrestling, Sarah Palin doing anything at all....The Flavor of Love, Rock of Love,Bridalplasty. Just to name a very few Ugghhh. But if, and I mean if, I had to make a reality show this is what it would be called.....

First Date Disney

      My reality show begins at the gates of the Magic Kingdom at 10 am on a November morning. The weather is perfect. The morning mist is burning away to be replaced with clear SO Cal. skies The kids are in school and the park is pleasantly  uncrowded. This will give our couple a fighting chance at love. No one can  fall in love standing in long lines in 100 degree weather, surrounded my families.

      Our couple have never met, but they have been cleared by our producers as 100 percent Disney fanatics.

With our camera crew poised, our chosen couple walk to the gates from opposite directions, meeting for the first time. There is the inevitable nervous greeting and awkward hug.

      Our couple, Rick and Karla are two 20 something fit classic Southern Californians.They seem to approve of each other. I am visibly relieved, as are my co-producer and camera crew.  

So off they go, hands held and big smiles, Rick and Karla clear the gates but we are immediately stalled for about 30 minutes as they begin taking photos of each other and selfies, ( thank goodness for editing)  the producers ( i.e. me) have to nudge them on,  it's going to be a long day. 

      Once we actually get them into the park things really begin to pick up. Our couple decides to head down Main street USA,  and stop at the Plaza Inn to have breakfast, and plan their day at the park. The show has supplied them with food and shopping vouchers and boy is Rick taking advantage of the breakfast buffet.

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

They spend an hour sitting outside on the sunny patio, pouring over maps to both parks and sneaking glaces at each other. It seems we have gotten lucky with our first couple. They seem to be evenly matched....but does that make good television? Only time will tell                                          

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

fast forward 3 hours later, our couple seems tense. Karla has been on her phone constantly for the past hour. Even during the rides. It seems she is having issues with an ex. She is crying pretty heavily as she has a heated phone argument on Peter Pan's Flight. Rick is rolling his eyes. It is impossible for him not to listen as they are stuffed in the small car together. Conflict makes him nervous and he really wants a cigarette. 

    

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

The ride is quick and as they depart the tiny car Rick heads to the nearest smoking section and lights up. They are by the Autopia cars,across from the Matterhorn, Karla is trailing behind him still on the phone but he just ignores her. The crew can see the wheels turning in his head and we know our bachelor is contemplating bolting. If he leaves our show is over. I volunteer to talk to Karla and I finally get her off the phone. We get churros and find a bench, Karla is quite the crier and I have to hold my own anger back as the liar Karla still protests that she is single. After a little powwow Karla agrees to turn off her phone and apologize to Rick. He reluctantly agrees to have lunch with her, so she can explain who "Pedro" is. 

The Blue Bayou Restaurant  Picture courtesy of Disney Parks 

I get on the horn and phone my Disney contact Jan Hamm. She is sweet and really willing to work with us. After all, if this show is a success it's good for everyone. So Jan happily reserves a table at the Blue Bayou, and we hustle our couple over to new Orleans Square pronto! I could already feel this experience turning my hair grey and I could really use a drink. Thank God I brought my flask. I push Rick and Karla in front of me as we stumble around in the near dark. "Here we go," I say trying to seat our unhappy couple." Front and center, the best table in the house." The atmosphere is perfect for a romantic meal, it  has the feel of twilight in the old south, and a perfect view of passengers boarding the boats to the Pirates of the Caribbean. Always entertaining to watch. I pray my couple will bond during some part of the meal. But just in case I have had my camera man spike the Mint Juleps. (Shhhh) I mean when has booze ever failed to get any two people with a pulse together, at least until the buzz wears off.

The Blue Bayou Restaurant  Picture courtesy of Disney Parks 

          Tearfully Karla lays her cards on the table and explains that she only came on the show to make her on again off again boyfriend Pedro jealous. She lays her hand on top of Ricks, looks him in the eye and sincerely apologizes. "Maybe there can be something between us," Karla says. I rub my hands together in glee knowing the mint julep has kicked in for her. It might for Rick too if he would stop shoveling food into his pie hole. At this point Rick seems more interested in his clam chowder bread bowl then accepting Karla's apology. I looked at my watch it was still early, only 4 pm. Miracles can happen can't they?

As my team keeps plying them with a steady diet of spiked mint juleps (Rick having eaten his meal and most of hers finally joins in). He was so fit, where did he put all of that food I wondered. Before to long our couple was back on track, even playing footsie under the table. We decided it was time to get them up and moving.

They rejoined the show with a new committed vigor, whooping and hollering on every ride.Holding hands, making out, they were feeling no pain, and neither were we. That was until...The Jungle Cruise, and the security escort out of the Magic Kingdom... I have never, ever seen anybody attempt to do that on the Jungle Cruise ride before, never ever!

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

After that Jan Hamm had a very long (and very threatening) discussion with me. I promised her we would have the kinks worked out by the next couple.

    Our schedule called for our couple to also visit Disney's California Adventure but with all of our unforeseen circumstances and the fact that we had gotten them both blitzed. I had to admit defeat and we got them rooms at the Disneyland Hotel and parked them at Trader Sam's Enchanted Tiki Bar, at the Disneyland Hotel.

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts

Pictures courtesy of Disneyland Resorts 

The crew and I were also staying at the hotel and decided to call it a day. We stayed at Trader Sam's as well but well across the room from our temporarily "hooked up couple" Pedro may have something to say about that. Thank God they signed a release I said to myself right before I power drank the night away forgetting all about television and networks and contracts and Disneyland.

The End 

Bitchy Waiter Fan Fare

Dear Bitchy Waiter,

I am a BIG fan and wanted to write you a big fan letter!

I love your stories, your writing style, your humor and your attitude.  myself served for 10 years and let’s just say I was not the kind of server who crouched down and ecstatically announced that I, Jolie would be your server for the evening. It was more like “Please ignore my disdain for you while I take your order.”

I admit fully that the last 9 and ½ years I served may not have been my best work and I apologize to anyone I served after 2008. Except the entire film crew of the straight to video movie “You Can’t Win” You were all complete assholes. Just because you are a famous actor (Michael Pitt) doesn't mean you can walk into my bar shoe less and smoking a stogie.Your cast party was like Lord of the Flies, and yes I will lose my job if you have booze in your hand after 2 am.

Also to every single Australian tour group who stayed at my hotel before and after their Cruise to Alaska, but refused to tip anything at all and when you sat down as a group and I added a 20 percent surcharge, you refused to pay it, argued with me about how tipping

is not required in Australia  and after calling my manager made me take it off the bill .

(Thanks for the change on a 327.00 bill. I made 3.00) Then the next night you all made sure you sat at separate tables so as not to incur a surcharge as a group then openly spoke as I was serving you about how you showed me! Question! Do you not remember getting

on that airplane and sitting for hours and hours until you were no longer in Australia?

Well that means you tip according to the customs of the country you have entered. And as Australians are constantly travelling (because that is all they ever talk about) Then I can only assume you know better as you  feign innocent ignorance and cheaply make your way across the globe.

I digress…Well those days are behind me now (fingers crossed) and even though I do

still have the occasional serving nightmare, I am back to being a normal calm human being and no longer a martini making ticking time bomb.Which brings me back to why I am writing you this fan letter, your stories are brilliant and so funny and  I can relate to every one of them. Thank you for bringing me back to a time that wasn't always so great and making me see it through your eyes.

I hope you don’t mind if I reprint some of my very favorite articles. And Bitchy Waiter

If you are ever in Seattle I would be honored to take you out on the town

Best Wishes

Jolie Shanoian C/O Skippy Jack Productions

Posted on April 30, 2014 

Guy Fieri Has a New Restaurant and It’s as Disgusting as You’d Expect

Posted on April 24, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter 

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If you’re looking for a restaurant in Las Vegas that will give you an “awesome” experience as well as a raging case of clogged arteries, look no further than Guy Fieri’s Vegas Kitchen and Bar. Just like cream rises to the top, douchiness floats over to Las Vegas and bathes in a puddle of Axe Body Spray. Guy Fieri has taken the wonderful feedback he received for his New York City restaurant and decided that the world needed another place for him to piss out Donkey Sauce on to piles of meat and cheese.   There was a time I liked Guy Fieri, like when he first appeared onAmerican Idol’s Next Top Chef of So You Think You Can Food Network or whatever the fuck that show was called. I watched it and thought he was entertaining, but after he became more famous his ego got out of control. And then a few years ago, it came out that hemight not be cool with gay people and that put the final nail in his flame-covered coffin for me. Eater Las Vegas has posted his new menu on line and it sounds like Guy has taken his signature bullshit and elevated it to a-whole-nother level of crap. I can’t let that menu go past my bloodshot eyes without addressing some of the food on it:

Sashimi Won-Tacos $14
Everyone’s fave ‘cuz they’re wicked tasty! Sashimi grade ahi & serious mango-jicama salsa are packed into wonton taco shells + drizzled with “wow-sabi” cream.

I can’t stand  a menu that uses phrases like “‘cuz” because it dumbs

 down this country. And who burned the midnight oil to come up

 with that clever combination of wasabi and wow?

Guy-talian Fondue Dippers $13
Pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists served alongside our smoky provolone + sausage cheese dip, topped with fresh tomato bruschetta. Guy-talian?

How adorable. Who the hell thinks it’s a good idea to wrap a 

fucking piece of pepperoni around bread and dip it in cheese sauce?

 It sounds like something that Domino’s came up with and then they

 decided it was even too fucking tacky and disgusting for them to 

pawn off on America.

Los Nachos Del Jefe $14
The boss don’t mess around…crispy corn tortilla chips are topped with corn tortilla chips topped with black beans, chorizo, cheddar + cotija cheeses, slivered red onions + jalapenos, built to make each nacho the perfect bite!

More bad grammar in an attempt to make the dumbasses eating here feel more at home. Just say that the boss doesn’t mess around.

Vegas Fries $12
Order ‘em in the city they were born! Sidewinder cut fries are tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, topped with blue cheese crumble+ served with Guy’s blue-sabi sauce.

As if one pun with wasabi wasn’t enough now, we have a second 

one. Are they saying that these fries were previously in existence 

and people know what “Vegas Fries” are? Like all over the world 

people have been ordering Vegas fries and wondering where they 

were created?

Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad $13
Guy’s take on the Greek salad will send you on a tour of the Mediterranean with its bold flavors, hearts of romaine, fresh veggies, hummus, feta, Parmesan croutons + tangy lemon vinaigrette. Toga not included.

Ha ha, a toga reference. How very Animal House of you, Guy Fieri. I just feel sorry for the server who has to say, ‘Okay, so that’s one Morgan’s Gnarly Greek Salad, right? Like, cool, totally bitchin’, dude.”

Brutha’s Badass Caesar Salad $15
Chopped romaine lettuce, croutons, lots of Parmesan cheese + Guy’s favorite Caesar dressing are loaded into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton.

I don’t think I understand this item. I picture a huge crouton, the 

size of a motorcycle helmet, that has been carved out and stuffed 

with limp salad. I bet the only reason this Caesar dressing is Guy’s 

favorite is because it’s the only one he could find at Costco.

The Mayor of Flavortown Burger $17
The meat blanket of seasoned pastrami sends this burger outta bounds. Swiss, caraway seed slaw, dill pickles, onion straws, Dijon mustard + an “awesome pretzel bun” finish off this bad boy.

Is a meat blanket anything like beef curtains? Because if the answer

 is yes, then no thank you.

Tatted-Up Turkey Burger $16
This burger is a work of art like Guy’s tattoos. Smash-grilled with poblanos & pepper jack. Topped with gouda, ancho bacon, sweet pepper red onion jam, LTOP, donkey sauce + served on an “awesome pretzel” bun.

Yes, let’s compare food to tattoos because whenever I ask what 

something I am going to eat looks like, I like it to be referenced to 

skin art. And where exactly does donkey sauce come from? I 

picture some sad little burro in a cage that is “milked” twice a day 

by an illegal alien named Maria.

Parmageddon Wings $13
Our breaded chicken parmesan wings + apocalyptic marinara. They might not end the world, but they’ll end your hunger!

I can’t with this.

The Motley Que Sandwich $17
Straight from Guy’s BBQ krew. Pulled pork smothered in Guy’s bourbon brown BBQ sauce, citrus slaw, pickle chips, aged cheddar + onion straws…stacked on an “awesome pretzel” bun.

Any time something is spelled with a K instead of a C, it 

automatically makes it kewl. And enough with the fucking 

awesome pretzel bun.

Guy’s Cheesecake Challenge $12

A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge.

Three out of four Golden Girls just rolled over in their graves.

Good luck, Guy. I’m sure your restaurant will be a huge smash hit. 

In today’s world, all you have to remember is “if you pour cheese

 on it and call it awesome, they will eat it.”

 

Filed

Foreplay at Table 7

Posted on April 16, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter •

Spring time made a brief appearance last week and it must have sent people’s hormones into a tizzy right up there with their allergies. The night at the restaurant started off normally with a couple who were happy to be with one another. There was sweet hand holding across the table and some goo-goo eyes going on, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then the next table that came in was the same way. And the next one and the next one after that. At one point, we counted five out of the six two-tops holding hands and it wasn’t even fucking Valentine’s Day. (Or if you’re my boss,Valentimes’s Day…). Spring is in the air.

Then came in the couple who sat at Table 7 and they made 

everyone else look like they were on their first date at the Sadie

 Hawkins dance in the sixth grade. These people looked like they

 were ready to slap on some lube and get busy in a booth. Of course

 they sat on the same side of the booth. I don’t get that. I want to be

 able to look at the person I am eating with without having to turn 

my neck 90º. I suppose same-side booth sitting is helpful for hand 

jobs, but not much else. This woman is a regular but she has been in

 with many different men over the months and years. “Whore” is 

such a strong word, but for the sake of this blog, let’s call her that.

 Whore is the touchy feely type with her dates and always insists 

that they be touching each other throughout dinner. She floats 

somewhere between smothering and controlling. The guy she is 

with this night seems just as into it as she is. Their hands are 

intertwined and he keeps brushing the hair out of her eyes. She, in

return, brushes his hair out of his eyes. I hold back the voms.

I hate to interrupt their foreplay, but I do need to see what they 

want to order for dinner, so I wrap myself in a condom and 

approach the table. I don’t want to accidentally end up in an 

unprotected threesome. After reciting the specials, they quickly 

decide on an appetizer and entrees and go back to making sweet 

sweet love with their eyes. Her arm is constantly around her beau’s 

shoulders and she stares longingly into his beady little rat face. His 

hand are in her lap and I can’t be sure what was going on below 

the 

table, but I cannot rule anything out, because “horny” is an 

understatement for this pair.

When their zucchini pancakes are ready, I slide them onto the table

 managing to keep a safe distance of any errant bodily fluids that 

may be coming from them and then I retreat to the bar to continue 

watching the show. The zucchini pancakes come with a sour cream

 and chive dipping sauce. It is remotely disgusting to watch him dip

 his finger into the ramekin and then put that finger into her mouth 

as she sucks it clean. If this is any indication of what is to come, 

there is a very sloppy and very awkward blow job in their future 

and I can only pray that it happens after they leave my section.

Their food comes out of the kitchen; penne pasta with a mushroom

 cream sauce and the roasted chicken breast. In between bites, they

 give each other little kisses, his porcini-y, hers brussel sprouty. She 

goes to town on that chicken skin and I think that if this guy is not

 circumcised already, he most definitely will be by the end of the 

night. They eat their food quickly and as I clear the empty plates 

away, he releases a soft burp in her general direction. I imagine it to

 smell like mushroom, zucchini and uncertainty.

They ask for their check and she goes to the restroom to either 

wash her hands or insert some form of birth control. When she 

returns, she leans over the table while her boyfriend signs the credit

 card voucher. His hand is resting on her ass and my eyes are 

resting on his fingers as they slowly creep lower and lower towards 

her nether region. When his hand is just to that perfect point to cup 

her ass, his fingers then slowly slide into her taint area. The 

bartender and I watch with horror as she tosses her hair and giggles.

 These people need to go right now. I will clean up spilled soda, 

spilled water and spilled coffee, but I will not clean up spilled pre-

ejaculate.

Spring is in the air.

TGI Fridays Just Got Even Worse to Work At

Posted on July 10, 2014 by The Bitchy Waiter •

“It’s always Friday and always shitty.”

That deafening roar you heard across the land on Monday afternoon was the sound of every TGI Fridays server bemoaning the new promotion that started at their jobs:Endless Appetizers. Yes, that’s right, someone who works in the corporate office of TGI Fridays probably got a two million dollar bonus when they sharted up this idea. Beginning on July 7th and running until August 24th, customers can pay $10 and get an endless amount of loaded potato skins, pan-seared pot stickers or some other fried piece of crap until they are bursting at the seams with MSG and other Sysco products. Don’t worry about the server not getting tipped by people who are eating a lot of food but not spending a lot of money because marketing officer Brian Gies says that sharing is discouraged. Ummm, yeah.

I can see it now, can’t you? Four teenagers show up but “only two of us are eating” they say. They sit down at your only money maker, Booth 5. They ask for for four waters and one asshole orders an endless order of boneless buffalo wings and another asshole orders mozzarella sticks. The server spends the next three hours running back and forth from the kitchen as all four teens shovel handful after handful of defrosted food into their eating holes. “At the end of the day, our servers aren’t policemen,” says Gies. “We’re not going to slap someone’s hand if they reach over and share someone else’s mozzarella sticks.” In other words, “We don’t really care if the servers get totally screwed by our customers and make no fucking money. As long as we have people in the restaurant and we can continue to sell sub-par food to them, we are satisfied.” When the four teens are finally too bloated to stuff one more cheese stick into their bodies, they get their check which is for $21.65 and they leave the server three dollars. Hurrah.

I also predict that parents will bring in their brood of five kids and 

order one endless app for the table and easily feed five kids on ten 

bucks. Of course they will only do this if they can’t find someplace 

where kids eat free. “Well, it ain’t free, but it’s only two dollars a 

kid,” says Ma Kettle as she sucks down her third Blackberry Long 

Island Tea Shaker. “And if I only gots to pay ten bucks for all them 

children to eat, that means I can afford to get the Jack Daniel’s® 

Sirloin and Grilled Lobster Tail. Thanks, TGI Fridays!!”

Some analysts think that the bold move will destroy the TGI Fridays chain, but let’s be honest. Wasn’t TGI Friday’s pretty much already a big piece of crap? Who the hell even eats there anymore? I guess that’s the reason they are desperate enough to try this approach. It might bring in new business, but it’s not going to be quality business. It’s scraping the bottom of the fast-food chain barrel and it’s only going to make TGI Fridays go the in the same direction of Bennigan’s, Fuddruckers and Friendly’s and that direction is the toilet.

The Endless Appetizer Promo will end on August 24th, but I would

 like to suggest some other ideas for them to try for their next bid 

for relevancy:

·                                 No Tip Tuesdays: Come in on Tuesdays and order whatever the fuck you want and then stiff your server. We don’t care. (This offer is also good on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday.)

·                                 TGI Fridays Frequent Diner Program: For every dollar you spend you get a point. The more you spend, the more points you get and once you reach 10 points, you can redeem those 10 points for a free party for 200 of your closest friends. The party will consist of unlimited pitchers of water and three orders of Tostado Nachos (you must pay extra for the toppings of refried beans, seasoned ground beef, melted cheese, salsa, sour cream, house-made* guacamole and jalapeños.) You don’t really have to tip your server, because we don’t give a shit. [*house-made is not really house-made. It comes in a big plastic bag that we cut open and squeeze into ramekins.]

·                                 Buy One Dessert Get Five Free: Yep, you heard right. All you have to do is pay for one crappy ass Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie and you get five more for free. We are happy to put them in a to-go bag for you or you can stay all night and eat them, we don’t care. And don’t bother leaving a tip, it doesn’t matter to us.

·                                 Complain On Facebook: If you go to our Facebook page and leave a negative comment about anything at all, we’ll make sure to send you a gift card to make up for the fact that you found a piece of plastic in your birthday cake or that the bartender took too long to make your drink and it ruined your Girls Night Out. We also give you a “Get Out of Tipping” card to give to your server so that you don’t have to bother with that pesky extra 20%. We hate our servers.

·                                 Your Weight in Food: Step on our TGI Friday scale and whatever you weigh is how much food you get for free. If you weigh 250 pounds, you can get 250 pounds of whatever you want. 250 pounds of Jack Daniel’s® Ribs? Sure! 250 pounds of mashed potatoes? No problem? 250 pounds of Parmesan Meatballs? You betcha! The more you eat the more you weigh and the more you weigh the more food you get for free. It’s terrific! The only tipping you’ll do is that of the scale. In fact your server will leave you a tip, because we totally don’t give a shit about our servers or if they make any money whatsoever.

Good luck, TGI Fridays. And my heart goes out to all those 

servers. 

As if it wasn’t already bad enough to work at TGI Fridays.